I'm Not Fine
by angeldylan628
Summary: TwoShot. Peyton's POV. I’m confused. I’m torn. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m all of those, but the one thing I’m not is fine...And it will always be Lucas that drives her away and brings her back.
1. Beginnings

Ok, so this is my first One Tree Hill fanfic. Let me know what you think!

A/N: I don't own One Tree Hill or any of the characters.

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I'm Not Fine

I've noticed in the short time I've spent on this planet that the one thing you can count on is that lies will get you nowhere. Lies only lead to more lies. And finally when you think the lying is over, the empty pit that used to be your soul is so cold and scary you find yourself wishing you'd just been honest. Because lying will only hurt you and everyone you lie to. If I would have just told the truth from the beginning, I wouldn't be here at this crossroad.

Unfortunately, I know all of this from experience. All I do is lie. It's one thing to lie to other people. But when you lie to yourself it can be a real problem. You don't know when to stop. And you stop knowing what's the truth and what's the lie. And it will tear you apart.

Most of the lies I've told center around my love life. For instance, here's a few to start with. 1) I don't mind Brooke. You like him Brooke, go ahead take him. 2) I'm over him. 3) That kiss in the library was just my responding to a near death situation. 4) Brooke, sure he saved me, but I only want to be his friend. 5) I'm in love with Jake. 6) I don't love Lucas.

But the worst has to be: I'm fine. That's the lie I've been telling the most. Well you know what! I'm not fine! I won't be fine for a long time. You know why? I've lost both my mother and my birthmother. I got shot and almost died from blood loss. Oh, and I have to watch my best friend and the boy I love fall for each other.

I'm confused. I'm torn. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm all of those, but the one thing I'm not is fine. I'm not fine! I keep repeating those words over and over in my head. When I see them walking together. When I saw Jake. When Ellie died. But when they asked me how I am, I just can't help but lie. It's easier to utter those words than admit anything else.

But I can't keep lying. I can't keep hiding. It's not like I'm being noble. It's more the fact that I got caught. Jake heard me say it in my sleep. Funny, how Jake just happened to be awake. Funny, how I had to say I love you Lucas. Not just I love you. No I had to say Lucas. Maybe the fates just don't like me. If I hadn't uttered those words while in dreamland, I could have abided by the theory ignorance is bliss. I tell myself that, but I know it's a lie. I knew in the end I would have to face the truth.

That being said it is time to face the truth. So the next time I see Brooke and she asks me how I am I will respond truthfully. Or if she asks what's wrong when I'm staring off into space daydreaming of what could have been and should have been with Lucas. There will be no more "I'm fine" or "Nothing's wrong." I will tell her the truth.

I love Lucas Scott. I always have and I always will. I still have feelings for him. Now, that I've admitted it, the question is will I be able to admit it to her or more importantly to him. Or will I hold back? Bite my tongue and swallow my feelings.

Or the worst possibility of all…am I too late?


	2. Aftermath

So, yeah this is the second part. I decided to add it after tonight's episode. So now it is officially complete.

A/N: I don't own One Tree Hill or any characters

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Silence. It's without a doubt my worse fear. To live in a moment where nothing's making a sound. Or even worse to live in a moment where no matter what words come out of my mouth no one will answer.

It's why I love music. I don't care if it's loud repetive banging on a drum or low, strung out words that seem to linger over time. Music is made to distract us from our lives. That's why I love music. It's why I love noise. It keeps me from thinking about my actions. It distracts me from my dangerous thoughts.

Silence is what greeted me when I told Brooke. She didn't say a thing. Then the next day, she said alot of things. Things that hurt. But hell I probably deserved it. I said some stupid things as well. I never claimed to be smart.

I have officially decided that I really am an idiot. What did telling her prove? Nothing. All it did was ruin our friendship. But screw her. She never cared about me. Since the day we stepped into high school I knew that Brooke had changed. And everyday she proves it to me.

Don't get me wrong. I still love her to death. But when drugs consumed me. Where was she? When my birthmom died. Where was she? When I got shot. Where was she? It was Lucas who had to basically push her to come find me. It was Lucas. And it will always be Lucas that drives her away and brings her back.

To answer my last question from my previous ramblings, I am too late. Too late to be forgiven. Too late to save my heart. Too late to save Brooke's. Too late to save our friendship.

Part of me never wants to see her again and part of me wants to shake her and tell her to see beyond it all. To think outside of the box. To understand that once again we are going to destroy a friendship that's lasted ten whole years over a boy.

Not just any boy. Lucas Scott. The same boy. Does history repeat itself? Is it always going to be like this? Brooke and Lucas get to have a normal relationship and I am destined to be on the outside looking in. I am destined to ruin them.

I'm still not fine. And I don't think having Lucas would solve that. And I don't think still being friends with Brooke would help either. I think I am destined to be not fine.

And as long as I know it, for now, that's just fine with me.


End file.
